Supporting Women Experiencing An Abusive Relationship (Blog #59)

Recent domestic violence tragedies underscore the need for all of us to recognize warning signs and help prevent harm within our families and communities. In just the past month, we learned of the murders of prominent dentist Cerina Fairfax; Coral Springs (FL) Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer Bowen; North Carolina pastor Tammy McMcCollum; and young Houston resident Ashanti Allen, who was pregnant. These four women—three of whom were mothers and an expectant mother—were reportedly killed by their husbands or intimate partners. We have also mourned the devastating case in Shreveport, where a father fatally shot eight children and injured their mothers, who were Black.

Black women are disproportionately the victims of gun violence at the hands of persons they know.  The Violence Policy Center reports that 9 out of 10 Black women who were murdered by men are killed by someone they know and, most often, by a gun.   

Data compiled by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence shows the prevalence of domestic abuse on black women: 

·       45.1% of Black women have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.

·       53.8% of Black women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.

·       8.8% of Black women have been the victims of intimate partner rape in their lifetimes.

·       17.4% of Black women have experienced intimate partner sexual violence (other than rape) in their lifetimes.

·       9.5% of Black women have experienced intimate partner stalking in their lifetimes.

·       An estimated 51.3% of black adult female homicides are related to intimate partner violence.

In fact, feminist criminologists have identified the period of marital separation as the most lethal for women. Studies show that a woman’s risk of being killed by an intimate partner is highest in the weeks and months after she leaves or initiates a legal separation. 

Domestic and gun violence on black women is an urgent issue that requires a varied responsive involving community engagement, policy reform and interventions for protecting victims and children.  Short of that, there are ways to help a friend or family member who may be experiencing an abusive relationship. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline shares these tips --

You can provide essential emotional support by:

• Acknowledging that their situation is difficult, scary, and brave of them to regain control from.

• Not judging their decisions and refusing to criticize them or guilt them over a choice they make.

• Remembering that you cannot “rescue them”, and that decisions about their lives are up to them to make.

• Not speaking poorly of the abusive partner.

• Helping them create a safety plan.

• Continuing to be supportive of them if they do end the relationship and are understandably lonely, upset, or return to their abusive partner.

• Offering to go with them to any service provider or legal setting for moral support.

You can help with material needs by: 

• Helping them identify a support network to assist with physical needs like housing, food, healthcare, and mobility as applicable.

• Helping them store important documents or a “to-go bag” in case of an emergency situation.

• Encouraging them to participate in activities outside of their relationship with friends and family, and be there to support them in such a capacity.

• Encouraging them to talk to people who can provide further help and guidance, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the teen and young adult project love is respect.

• If they give you permission, help document instances of domestic violence in their life, including pictures of injuries, exact transcripts of interactions, and notes on a calendar of dates that incidents of abuse occur.

• Don’t post information about them on social media that could be used to identify them or where they spend time.

• Helping them learn about their formal legal rights through resources like Women’s Law, which provides information on domestic violence laws and procedures.

• With their permission, ensure that others in the buildings where the survivor lives and works are aware of the situation, including what to do (and what not to do) during a moment of crisis or confrontation with an abusive partner.

We all have a role to play in keeping our sisters safe — not as experts, but as family, neighbors, and friends who choose to show up. 

For immediate help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.